God, You have Cheated Me.

“I would go to the deeps a hundred times to cheer a downcast spirit. It is good for me to have been afflicted, that I might know how to speak a word in season to one that is weary.”

-          Charles Spurgeon

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“O Lord, You have deceived me and I was deceived; you have overcome me and prevailed. I have become the laughingstock all day long; everyone mocks me.”

Jeremiah 20:7 (NASB)

I recently listened to a story of a woman who had been told by God to quit her job. After a great deal of prayer, she did so, expecting that God had a better job for her elsewhere. Almost two years later, all she had were side babysitting jobs. She felt cheated by the Lord. He told her to leave a job she was satisfied in for a job she was not satisfied in. He had cheated her.

This is how many of us feel from time to time. I remember when I was 18 and God called me into the military. After a great deal of prayer and against the counsel of everyone I knew, I obeyed. The following years were times I’d rather forget than remember. I was a mockery to the military. I was ill-suited for its structure. I was verbally abused and treated as less than. There was no glory in my suffering – it was not caused by the trials of war, or the persecutions of Christian faith, but by the insensitivity of my fellow service members. There were many times when I could relate to Jeremiah’s further complaint; “Cursed be the day when I was born…” (Jer. 20:14). By the time I was released from service to my country, I was a shell of the girl I was when I joined. And yes, I felt cheated by God. Greatly cheated.

What is interesting, however, about the woman with the babysitting jobs is that in time, God opened her eyes. She began to see how she was ministering to the children she cared for. She began to see how she was blessing their families. She began to see how God had exchanged her job for a ministry. And she changed the expression of her circumstances; “I realized that I was not cheated. I was chosen.”

God called Jeremiah into the ministry of the prophet without Jeremiah having a full understanding of what he would have suffered. That is why Jeremiah felt deceived. That is why he felt cheated. Surely he thought it would be a glorious thing – to declare the name of the Lord. Instead he received mockery and derision. Of course he felt cheated. But here’s the question that begs to be asked; if Jeremiah truly understood the suffering that awaited him upon acceptance of the call of the prophet, would he have accepted?

People ask me if I regret joining the military. I always tell them I don’t regret it, but if I knew then what I know now, I would never have obeyed the voice of God and joined. I would have accused myself of deceived ears and continued on my way as the miserable young woman I was. And I was miserable. Even before I joined the military, I was miserable and haunted with depression. The military just compounded pain that was already there. There was a deep crack of pain in my mind from childhood. The military hammered at that crack until it was no longer a crack, but shattered glass on the floor.

What I didn’t know then, however, but I do know now, is that God didn’t send me into the military to strengthen me. He sent me into the military to be destroyed. He sent me into the furnace to be consumed. He sent me into the wilderness so that every remnant of that miserable little girl who was suicidal by the age of 10 could be utterly and completely exterminated.

Why?

Why?

Why?

So that I could be reborn.

God took a cracked bone and broke it completely so that one day I could walk without a limp.

That is where I am today; walking without a limp. Living without depression. Laughing without grimacing. Smiling without crying in the deep hours of the night. I am reborn. I am a new person. I am a better person. I am a happier person. I am no longer a limping corpse. I am alive.

I was not cheated. I was chosen. To live.

Yes, I struggle. Yes, I still cry. Yes, I am still vulnerable to pain.

But I’m alive. Truly alive.

When we are in the midst of our suffering, it is hard to see why God has placed us where He has placed us. It is hard to understand why God has cost us what He has cost us. But if we can take comfort in nothing else, we can take comfort in Romans 8:28; “And we know that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”